Having “The Conversation” about King David
Jesus, at about age 14, and his father Joseph are walking in the countryside of Galilee, and a conversation starts up.
“Dad, can we talk about the House of David?”
“How about the House the of Pancakes?”
“What? Why?”
“I’m hungry.”
“No, Dad. The House of David.”
“Did you know that the Greek word for pancake is different by only one letter from the Greek word for locust? Also, your cousin John absolutely loves pancakes and honey. Elizabeth’s pancakes are really the highlight of my visit whenever we go to see them.”
“Dad, why are you telling me this?”
“Well, if anyone ever starts telling you strange things about John’s eating habits, just remember that it may be a misunderstanding.”
“Dad, can we focus please? I would like to know more about the House of David.”
“Why is that?”
“Isn’t it obvious? You are from the House of David, which means I am, too. I want to learn more about him.”
“Well, actually, those of us trying to maintain the image of the House of David try not to talk about him that much.”
“Why’s that?”
“He pretty much sucked at being a human being.”
“What do you mean?”
“For starters, you know that big story that everyone tells about him?”
“You mean killing Goliath?”
“Yeah. He didn’t even do that. A guy named Elhanan did. David’s propaganda ministers just completely changed the story to give him credit for the killing.”
“Well, he can’t be blamed for other people lying about him!”
“Relax, son. I’m just getting started.”
“So, once David saw a beautiful woman and summoned her to his palace to ‘have his way’ with her.”
“But, Dad, he was King and she was his subject. Summoning her and having his way her seems like a sugarcoated way of describing…”
“Yes, son. Your ancestor David raped a woman.”
“That’s terrible! I hope she didn’t get pregnant.”
“Well, it turns out she did.”
“Did this woman have a husband?”
“She did.”
“What did he think about her getting pregnant?”
“David tried to hide his responsibility for the pregnancy by encouraging the man, Uriah was his name, to go and be with his wife so that when the child was born many months later, Uriah would think nothing of it.”
“Did that plan work?”
“Nope.”
“What happened?”
“David had his soldiers abandon Uriah in battle so that he would be killed.”
“David had Uriah killed?!”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Liar, rapist, murderer!!?? How in the world did he become king in the first place?”
“God picked him.”
“Surely God could have done better, Dad!”
“Many of us think so, son.”
“What happened to the baby?”
“God killed the baby seven days after it was born to punish David.”
“Seriously?!!” God really thought that was a punishment? Sounds more like a really late-term abortion to make all go away.”
“Very late.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Do you think if we just started telling people we’re from a different house, maybe Benjamin, that maybe no one would notice?”
“That has been suggested by some of your relatives. However, in your case, I think it may complicate your future if we were to do so.”
“Why’s that?”
“I think God may have some plans for you, and you may need some House of David credentials for the whole thing to work out.”
“You mean the same God who picked David in the first place and who whacked an innocent baby to clean up the whole situation?”
“The very same one, my son, the very same one.”